we must work without arguing,
that is the only way to make life bearable
-martin, voltaire's "candide"
these past few days have been making me feel weird.
i get mad at my parents and ex step parents and all parental figures in my past when i see how much i still need them in my current life and how much more my brother needs them in his life. i want to just yell at everyone who was once a parent in my life for being dumb and bailing on me - us.
i'm so worried about my brother because he is such a minimalist and a horrible consumer. (ha, ha)
i want to help him acquire necessary THINGS and skills, but then it's like, wait he's older than me and a lot of this stuff that i want to lay out on him isn't really necessary after all.
i can’t blame my unhappiness/frustration/confusion on my circumstances or on other people.
basically, i’m trying to take responsibility for the way i feel, rather than complaining about how this person makes me feel bizarre or how this situation brings me down because it’s not fair, etc. i truly don't believe anyone is deserving of happiness and that every person has a scale of sticky life situations.
i'm ranting on here because i feel like i just throw mood swings at people without any explanations of my thoughts about life and i feel bad when i complain so much but can't expect anyone to give advice because it's not like i'm dating my family - it's not like someone can just be like "bummer, yeah you should just dump YOUR brother."
that is the easy way out. (and i'm an escapist so it is tempting all the time...)
my cats are with me now and it's cool because this apartment is smaller than my house, i get to see them more often :)
3 comments:
Hey. You feel the way you feel, and that's fine. I think that is completely justified. As I get older I feel like I'm the adult, and my parents are the kids. Maybe that's the way things work. Doesn't feel normal though, does it?
It feels sometimes like the whole world just pulled a trick on you, like the tablecloth moves but the salt shaker is still standing. To be honest, that's just what being an adult is. The difference is your perception and reaction.
I've been on this earth long enough to realize that your circumstances can be perfect, or piss-poor, and all points in between. It can all come and go in a heartbeat, so you must embrace and learn as you go. We must all make better efforts...me included.
im truly sorry for what little i know of how some of the parents in your life haven't been there for you. they are missing out so hard. seriously.
trying to take responsibility for the way you feel is difficult, but rewarding. .. i think so at least. i believe strongly in seeking the truth of fear and frustration.
family is an extremely difficult dynamic. id like to meet a few people who had perfect lives growing up with parents who didnt fuck them up in some way somehow. thats certainly not me. id like to say these people dont exist but im sure they do. i prefer to imagine they are painfully boring.
i know my family would have liked to have ditched me at times. but love is deep even when muddled if your lucky. your a good sister.
thank you emily and anonymous for your kind words :)
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